June 8, 2015

Another Peeperism- Goodbye Lie Diaries

Amelia Island, Florida

Peeper writes - 

Miss Jane,
     Did I tell ya this one?  If'n ya butter your biscuit with the other hand, you'll only have half the weeds in your vegabull garden.  Should ya not be atrustin' me, try it. Aunt Noreen is always sayin' I'm full of gizzards and fool, but she don't know her ear from her elbow, that one. You have always give the respect due me and yur readin' friends, likewise.  It's good ta be 'preciated. I think the one who 'preciates me most in this world is my Bird a the Earth, Pat.  He's growed up ta be a fine looking man, 'ceptin' when he gets ta scrapping. Then I have ta tell him if'n he gets hit in the face another time, he'll get ta bein' so homely, the chickens will hide.  He don't take me serious much.  But I'll keep atryin'.  Time ta fetch my mendin' basket. Got ta see if'n I can stitch the ripped sleeve back on ta the Sunday shirt I finished makin' him two weeks prior.  He was acomin' outta church and I'll be a de-feathered horny owl if'n some out-a-town slick attacked my perfect Pat as he was -ahelpin' his mother inta the buggy.  I saw the whole thing.  The way that scalawag jumped on my boy's back-- Well, had it not been fer me, just a beatin' that mean man with my umbreller, Pat might a had ta land four punches 'stead a two, ta get that weasel off a him.

That's the news from our time.  This magic letter writin' is pretty slick, I have ta say.  Aunt Noreen likes it a great deal, which is not good.  Should it prove ta be anything like her talking, it will be constant and foul.  You and yur friends won't be likin' it much and stop reading what we nice Dunnigan folks have ta tell ya from our time. My advice, as a good Christian woman, is ta allow Noreena ta communicate, ya like that big word, do ya? It means ta talk back and forth some way, if'n ya ain't sure.  Allow her to communicate once in a while, sos, when she does, she won't be all that much more bitter than her normal hateful self.  That's just me, but this is your magic so you best decide who can and cannot write words for everybody ta read.  I'm asendin' ya plenty  a love from my century, Jane Marie.  This is plum fun!

Peeper is the beloved grandmother in Amelia Island's Goodbye Lie Trilogy, set on Amelia Island, Florida in the 1880s. Aunt Noreen is her less than pleasant next-door rival.  The words, cold and comical, fly betwixt and between them. 

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