Annual Christmas Letter - 2015

Merry Christmas to all,

It has been a busy year on Amelia Island, in north Florida, USA! 

Here are just a few of the highlights from our past twelve months:

Father sniffed his wallet to see if it smelt of farts.

Uncle Fuzzie still showers. We’re all happy for him when it rains. 

Daughter was asked to alphabetize the books in the public library. She declined, citing it was her turn to wash the cracks in the sidewalk. 

The palmetto bugs squish when you step on them.

Grammy quit choir and volunteered, instead, to sing solos.  It seems handbells, cantatas and all that praying are using up the hour of church each week and the music director can't fit her in until 2024. Now, Mother must decide on which Tuesday of that year she will perform.  Oh, the pressure!  

Son bought a new home in a new neighborhood.  He lost the address though.  If you see an empty house anywhere, let him know.  He is listening for your call.

Uncle Blocktassel heard bananas will keep longer if they do not touch.  He thinks it best they don’t see each other either, so stashes them in separate rooms.  He is suspicious that Cousin Squirtfinger snuck in and ate the banana he had tucked away behind the third volume in The Dandelion and The Nut Pick series. Be warned. Uncle seeks proof.

 

Granddaughter ate too much chocolate and blew chunks clear across her newly decorated white and pink bedroom.  The chocolate stains look like polka dots.  Everyone knows brown and pink, together, are a very chic combination, and Aunt Snuffle says it adds designer tones.   

When Mother set Father's plate of leftovers before him, he said, "This looks like Sunday dinner in the state pen." Mother is grateful for a husband who is always so free with his compliments.    

The trees have no feathers, but the dog’s fur tastes like the sweeper.

The stop sign works best on Thursdays. 

Brother learned to eat cheese.  Grad school has taught him the riches of life.

That’s all we have time for as we are already sanding the grapefruit and plowing the paper towels to prepare for the coming year. 

Love from your favorite Amelia Island family.   X O X O X O

2012 Annual Christmas Letter

Dear Friends,

It's that time of year when our family shares the highlights of bygone months.  Hang on, for what you're about to read will be… Well, hang on, if you dare...

Mother asked: "What is the score?"

Her Brother replied: "10 to10."
Mother: "Who is winning?"
Her Brother:  "It's 10 to 10."
Mother, laughing: "Oh, since you're a Navy man, I’m glad it's Navy."
Her Brother: "It's 10 to 10."
Mother: "Beat Army!" (Mother is proud of her sports knowledge.)

Father rewired the front porch light.  Whenever the family flips the switch, the hair dryer starts blowing cold.  Mother says the A/C bill is lower and spent the extra money on a nose hair trimmer for Father.  Braiding his nose hair was taking too much time away from grass mowing.

Cousin Isning's left earlobe went missing. 

The family went on a cruise to the Bahamas.  Father said next time he'll spring for food. The good news is everybody looked better in their swim suits.

 

After adopting a rescued doggie, Mother said to Her Brother who was moving in for a very long unexpected visit, "Where is the dog?  I don't want her to run outside."

Her Brother: "I know exactly where she is.  She's biting my right ankle."
Mother:  "Oh good!  After you put on thicker socks, give her one of these biscuits and praise her so she'll keep doing it and we'll always know where to find her." Mother should be an animal trainer.

Uncle Knuckle gave Niece a candle for her birthday. Father worried she would burn her house down.  Uncle Knuckle pointed out that her house is termite-ridden so Father gave her an extra book of matches to speed the process. 

Daughter walked the beach and left a small pile of special seashells on the shore near the water.  When she returned the next day with a bucket to collect them, they were gone.  With such blatant disregard of citizen's property, she wonders what will be next?  Stealing dandelions?

Cousin Gassie reports his bowel sounds have improved. 

 

Aunt Rantie asked Mother, "Since they all have four legs and a tail, how does a dog know it's not a cat and a cat know it's not a dog?"  Not wanting to appear superior in her knowledge, Mother blew her nose.
 

The glue on the church envelopes tastes like red paint.

The neighborhood got new orange recycling cans.  Cousin Irk says the color suits him better than the regular gray trash can and likes his new digs.

Canned peaches are still on aisle 5.

Father discovered that if you turn a book upside down, the words are upside down, too. 

The bread often has green edges.  Mother is pleased because the color matches her vinyl place mats.

The ice cream melted too fast and Father is preparing to take legal action.

 

The mailman has crusty elbows.

 

That's the news from sunny
 Amelia Island, Florida.

Merry Christmas
 and don't eat too much tinsel.  

 Happy 2013, too!

(Dreaded) Annual Letter Is Back!

Yes, 2010 has been a hot and hootie, rootie tootie kind of year for us.  Here are a few of the details of our year:

• Father needs thumb surgery. Mother says the arthritis bump on his digit looks like a dog’s nose. Mother sees art in everything because she owns a paintbrush.
• Mother recently heard about Jane Marie's new 3 Second Memory Club. She desperately wants to join but Father is concerned they might not accept her. He thinks she’s over qualified because she remembered the name of the club.
• Father revealed his first pick-up line to Mother. “I’m wise beyond my leers.” Uncle Knuckle always did say Mother and Father were meant to be. Knuckles kin are very sensitive to matters of the heart.
• Daughter would like to be a novelist or composer. She can’t spell or read music but she has the titles for her future projects all ready to go. Her first murder mystery will be about a serial slasher. She’ll call it By the Light of the Slivery Moon. She also wants to do a Broadway musical about the life of Attila the Hun and call it Night and Day, You are the Hun. She’s so excited to get started, she’s already got a pad, a pencil and a kazoo. Talk about ambitious! 
• Mother entered her framed painted doll faces in the local fair. She didn’t win but the sheriff in town wants to hire her as a sketch artist. He says her dolls look like fugitives. Father is telling his friends they can get  free portraits if they rob banks. Mother is concerned. She’s afraid she’ll get carpal tunnel if she develops a clientele.
• Spew, our vomiting cat, licks the toilet bowl brush to clean his tongue. Father considered doing this until he realized the brush was too big for his mouth.
• Son-in-law washed his car.  He also found his phone.
• Mother massages her feet by rolling them back and forth over marbles in a shoebox. Mother is a health nut, you know.
• Uncle Knuckle went to the store by himself.
• Daughter is in training to run her first marathon. Father thinks that’s silly. He can get there faster by car.
• Father had emergency back surgery. Don’t worry. He is able to walk -- almost. He still needs crutches. Mother has hired a carpenter to secretly shorten each crutch tip an inch per day. Her goal is for him to stop relying on the crutches. Father, however, thinks he’s getting shorter. By next week, he’ll be crawling. He’s fine with it though. He’s sure he’s somehow found the Fountain of Yutes. Oh, Father is also planning his 152th birthday party.
• It rained.

Happy New Year from Amelia Island, Florida!